im at a party in sweatpants, slippers, and a basketball jersey from the eighth grade, 10 bucks says im still getting laid
I just cleaned your Jaeger vomit off my car with a knife. Don't ever say I don't love you.
I just saw a guy getting escorted with handcuffs on, I'm too drunk to be at the airport right now.
I havnt even moved into my new place yet and there's already a county sheriffs card taped to the door with my name on it asking me to call him
You kept making up "snapple facts" every time you opened a beer.
I just saw her shopping list. The only things on it are blackberries, hot fudge and condoms. I almost don't wanna know. Almost.
When else am I ever going to have a chance to do lines with T-Pain?
Jacob lost his virginity in a threesome. I am deffs fucking this kid.
DURING A THUNDERSTORM ON HIS BIRTHDAY.
Toilet is so comfy. Serious question/why does weed make every surface feel like bed?
I flossed his teeth and then we had sex in the bathroom. It just seemed like a good idea.
She told me she ate a whole pizza today, and I just wanted to hug her forever.
I'm getting drunk by myself again. But I'm not shotgunning any of them. That's self-restraint, right?
I completely forgot about the posting of partying pics shortly after adding my gma my dad was like grandma says your all over fb but she doesn't know how to use it. Of course I'm all over her fb. She's got 6 friends I am her newsfeed
Don't remember our skype call last night too well, but did I pee while skyping you?
I dropped my slice of pineapple on the kitchen floor and was just staring at it about to cry. It was really good pineapple.
Randomize
