Today was the day I stopped kidding myself and started buying the handle of vodka.
Yeah i knew he wasn't okay when he told me he was "seeing his vision"
I love my roommate; her alcohol problem, her proclivity for passing out on the living room couch, and her fucking awesome size d tits that can never remain clothed. Craigslist jackpot.
We broke the shower door. Completely off. His roommates were not happy but I sure was
he just hooked up with some chick in a bedroom upstairs so I just went to sleep in the pantry closet...
Two hot shots of tequila for breakfast? Yeah today is gonna be a shit show
When theres a zombie apocalypse, i will be the only fat survivor. I ate chef boyardi ravioli with part of a pen for a fork
She screamed at us, "You guys need to wake up and smell the beer-bong!"
He wouldn't let me put a red handprint on his face or scream to him everytime he walked away.
Why did you want to do any of that?
If someones last name is Wilson, you are obligated to pretend that you are Tom Hanks and they are a Volleyball and quote the movie when you speak to them.
i just googled coccaine effects on sexual performance..maybe im dating the wrong guy
When she said "Tighten your safety belt and hold on!", that should have been a clear sign to me that one should never go off-roading in a rental car. On the bright side, they were able to tow her car out the next morning.
Drunk me really needs to stop 1. telling every attractive dude in a relationship that monogamy isn't real 2. Proposing threesomes with them and their girlfriends
I think I just read the whole internet. Front to back.
Today's forecast: 90% chance of bad decisions, good stories, solid new dick and artichoke pizza
my mom is drunk and is trying to get me to take a picture of her ass. what is life?
Randomize
