he smells like the inside of heather mills' fake leg
nothing says happy birthday like half a tampon wrapped in someone else's hair on your shoulder.
I just saw how many times I called you last night. You're welcome.
Just ran four miles to popeye's. And back. Dedication.
The neighborhood kids rang the doorbell in the middle of my first bong rip to ask if they could use my trampoline for the thirtieth time today...I opened the door and pretended to puke up a shitload of smoke, I have never seen a more terrified group of children
They don't allow McDonald's in the ER. Go figure
I think the fact that I shit my pants, threw away my underwear in a frat bathroom, lost my socks down a drain in the front yard and still got laid... deserves some sort of a victory drink for myself or a blowjob for him since he was such a good sport.
It's all coming back to me. I drank moonshine from a milk carton from a guy named tomohawk last night.
Thanks for not locking your door. I had to pee and there was a random person throwing up in my bathroom so I used yours. \nPS I stole your soap
Your fuck buddy is making you watch the OC. I think that counts as strings attached.
wait did i hook up with someone in mcdonalds last night?
Drunk Karaoke resulted in only 8 injuries this time, so there is some improvement.
Even blacked out me knows not to sleep with socks on
I CAN SEE SO MANY PENISES. There are so many visible penises here.
Where are you???
Yoga class :(
Did you put my shoes in the freezer.
Nope. I did however put them in the kiddie pool you pissed in in the living room before Tyler put them in the freezer. Ass hole.
Randomize
