How fat would you say she has to be before I can consider this a threesome
Bonnaroo quote of the day: "why the fuck am i pregnant?!?!" - exclaimed loudly by random hippie.
He spanked me with a plate. I'm not sure where this is going...
I don't even know. I woke up to a text from someone named Vick saying he was 'legit worried' that I had herpes.
i just spent 10 minutes talking to the lady who works at taco bell about my romantic situation.
we got cut off at 8 am. He spilled his drink three times on the plane. this should be one hell of a vegas trip
Just make sure my intervention has a theme...
It wasn't even dirty talking, it was more like the soothing gentle nonsense noises you make when you've spooked a horse.
some kid lit a j in the bar tonight. i was in awe of both his boldness and the severe beatdown he received moments later
I have to call my new boss to accept the job offer so you have pack the bowl while I pretend I'm a responsible adult THEN we can get high
Seriously, it's 5am. STOP CREEPIN and START SLEEPIN!
And now you know why we call him Three-Balls Brad
I just used a gift card from my in-laws to buy their daughter a vibrator. What even are morals?
Bro.. I am absolutely going to have sex with our old middle school health teacher
i just realized i have only had sex on couches so far this year. i can't decide if that's impressive or trashy
Randomize
