You're earring is so big in my mouth
Wouldn't be the first time..I think there's a subliminal message constantly playing in my mind that says 'blackout', 'throwing up is fun' 'too sober'
Just ran interference for her again. Sometimes i wonder how many times in my life i'll have to be a cock block at the clinic
I got home and laid by the toilet and then alexa laid in the bathtub and sang the preamble while kayla held my hair
Sometimes I love sober logical me. She makes rare appearances but when she does she shines.
Life Epiphany- I need to have children so I can be the drunk grandma at family functions. Its my destiny.
If anyone wants to ring in the new year with gluttony and yoga pants, let me know. As soon as it becomes a socially acceptable hour to drink margaritas, I'm gonna go down on a chimichanga.
He either works for the Irish Mob or I'm being Catfished
our next stoner-chievment: cream of shroom soup. Get over here, this is happening!
I just fixed my mom's tv over the phone in 2.17 minutes while high. I'm a fucking professional.
Would it be weird to bake him a cake that says "sorry I peed on your bed"?
Ok well my life just seems more exciting by default because I'm dating my married boss and sexting with my ex
alright well you definitely hurt his feelings though you told him he looked like he was going to an Amish community prayer meeting..
I've literally slept one hour I'm honestly just surprised you can insult me this early
Drunk me says 72 hours of Mexican Viagra and room service.Sober me says we stopped being lovers for a reason after the last lost weekend.
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