Dude I can't believe you let me go home with the wildabeast lastnight.
You always hook up with hot girls we had to know you were mortal
They use the phrase "final warning" so often the words have lost all meaning.
well when i got there she was attempting to stick the cat in her mouth.. so maybe you should go check on her
Just transferred the sun chips from that obnoxious Eco-friendly bag into a zip lock. Fuck the environment, that bag is loud.
I just smoked a bowl in the dining room and am now drinking a glass of chocolate milk. i can't believe i'm getting paid for this.
oh awks just saw the head of medical staff who I punched the bottle of wine at
Found a beard hair in my crotch.... care to explain?
Oh if I trust ANYTHING about you it's your ability to lead a douchebag around by the dick
It feels like my uterus is trying to crawl out of my ass wearing cleats. And yourself?
Making a mobile stripper pole for the back of my truck memorial weekend. Is where dignity goes to die
your life is not complete until you watch a gaggle of murderous clowns dance to gangnam style.
also, what is the correct term for a shit ton of clowns?
I just trimmed my bush to manageable levels. I'm gonna take a nap and then get in there and finish the job.
I'm doing an Uber ride of shame in a red, white and blue bikini top and America shorts. Good for me.
it's your last night here, let's make it one we may or may not remember.
When they said they were gonna tattoo each other's gamer tags on their asses, I knew I no longer had a boyfriend.
Randomize
