She can't drink and she can't smoke weed. She might as well be dead to me.
all i could think was her face looked like a farm accident
Yeah he gave the rest of the brownies to the bouncer that took his fake
Well, I plan on starting the night dressed as little red riding hood. Then I plan on finishing the night dressed as a shit show in a red cape.
I like how I get messages from eharmony at the same time I'm looking for a new vibrator. It's like the powers that be are just trying to make my life ironic.
I met this girl the other day and found out her boyfriend is a helicopter pilot. How the fuck do you compete with that.
Just cleaned someone else's sperm off of my bedroom wall. Never throwing a house party again.
Fell twice in five points. on my face. literally during a cross walk. The cars just went around me. 21st birthday memories right there
I ate vegetarian today, so I deserve a beer.That's my justification.
It's like you're the voice of my soul.
Hook ups at LEGOLAND don't count right?
Are we playing inappropriate sexual encounters bingo?
I didn't even know we were hiding from the cops, I was just playing with the cats. People kept telling me to be quiet the cops are here and I was like DID YOU SEE THIS CAT!?
WTF DOES CAROLINE HAVE GLASS IN HER FACE
Im playing a game I have to take a drink every time my gram asks me the same question hammered by 4 guaranteed
I just saw a guy walking up the stairs with his dick out his pants. I let him know, and he just looked down in shock, laughed, and continued walking up the stairs.
Please stop telling my mom she doesn't have nipples when she's been drinking. You know shell show you. Forcefully.
Randomize
