Also, i'm pretty sure i've had my birth control pill stuck in my throat since like...two pm. So i'll be practicing safe oral sex tonight.
I did a mental Irish jig when he pulled out the second condom.
I wish Pampers made couches for people like us.
shut up i haven't hooked up with anyone since 45 minutes ago
You do realize that we bought beer at 9:30 in the morning to avoid sobering up. Stupidity was bound to follow.
Dude he's the best wing man ever. He starts creepin' on a woman, and she clings on to you out of fear.
we're decorating our christmas cookies with birth control. so pretty.
Apparently HR frowns upon current employees introducing themselves to the new employee as "Hi I'm sleeping with your cousin"
I just found a grey hair. On my nipple. Fuck you too, Mother Nature.
i just need to find someone who enjoys eating frozen waffles as much as I do. It will be perfect.
Those people that talk about exercise endorphins have never experienced a 9x13 pan of mac n cheese endorphins
I have an empty apartment, Chinese food, and fresh batteries in my vibrator. There's nothing on this earth that could lure me out tonight.
i opened the door and you were passed out on my doorstep wearing ugly shorts and cuddling a pinnapple, i dont know what happened to you.
My vibrator turned on under my pillow when I was taking a nap this morning... I nearly shit my pants.
The only words I could make out were "Dicksmash McIroncock".
Randomize
