I love how you send me nude pics of girls you're fucking and name them by which city they're in instead of their name. "This is Nashville, this is Tupelo, this is Jackson..."
she told me if people cross their eyes and look at her, they say she looks like megan fox
What did I eat last night that was bloody?
Do you remember anything yesterday that led to needing a cup of couscous in my closet?
It's "your husband had his mouth on my vagina" awkward.
Just pulled back my covers. Jizz. Jizz everywhere. Hipster jizz everywhere on my only set of sheets.
So far in the last ten minutes I have tried to pour cereal into a plate. Today's gonna be a great day.
Am I allowed to be in denial about being gay again? Or is that one of those things you can't do?
I take pride in being a married 31 year old who sleeps on her best friend's bathroom floor from time to time.
Is being in jail an excusable absence?
Spending the night with him made me realize that stupid people both irritate and fascinate me, so I'd say it equaled itself out.
She texted me this morning asking why all of her house pillows were inside her mini-van.
So thats where i built my buckingham palace
He asked me how many starwars references he could make before i no longer find him attractive.
It's sunday night and I just went to the store to buy cookie dough and condoms, I'm so proud of myself.
So I took a screenshot of my boarding pass and the TSA agent somehow swiped it to the next photo. Yep...TSA saw my dick before I even went through the body scanner.
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