I am slurping my drink like I am going to the electric chair
i just saw a woman using her birth control packet as a wallet.
I don't think the car's salesman understands that I am about to vomit on him.
asked the girl next to us on line to take a picture of us and she shared her bacardi. i love white people.
Not saying puking on the side of a cab was how I imagined freshman year of med school but...
You have no idea I looked like the porno version of Laura Ingalls Wilder
The night went downhill when he took his pants off at our table and walked up to women saying "Special delivery"
On the shuttle bus from the Casino the driver refused to take us to the strip club so you said "let me off this bus or ill puke on you".
When you accidentally text the wrong guy for a dick pic and your surprised you get one In return. He just got on my "to do" list
She was blowing me like a porn star and all I could think was "you just told me your grandfather is dying in hospice right now"
Good news y'all just straight up snorted 2 adderall and I'm not a real being on this plane of existence anymore and I'm ready for finals
just saw the most amazing side boob. i wanted to hold it.
It's a lot harder to work after sex than it is to work drunk... just saying.
I knew you were on something when you said you were a puppy and you ate all the frosty Paws dog ice cream which says not for human consumption right on the side of it.
I’m going to bedazzle that dick
What does that even mean
No idea, but I guarantee he’ll get hard every time he remembers it
Randomize
