First off: I'm drunk so fuck you. Second: you weren't a bad girlfriend. Tres: thats 3 in spanish. Number 4: fuck 3 Doors Down
The album was titled "Best Night Ever" until she found out she was preggers and switched it to "God Punishes Sluts"
i need to find a birthday card for her that tells her how happy i am that i can now legally bang her
Sundays have taken on a whole new meaning when I'm not in bed with an excruciating hangover.
some guy just walked by in the street and for 5 seconds yelled "IMM SOOOO HORNYYYYYY!!!!"
Dude, the cops never think it's as funny as you do.
he said that he wanted to outsmoke the rain, I don't know what that means but I'm gonna go help him
More likely there's a very shell-shocked cat wandering around somewhere, covered in potato peelings
I'm starting to blur the boundary between reasonable senioritis and self-destruction. Somewhat-openly hittin the flask in 11am class
My vagina is depressed thinking about her future.
You cant carve pumpkins without vodka. It's a Halloween tradition.
He set two of my ex boyfriends on fire at two different bars without anyone knowing it was him or how it happened either time. He might be a fucking super hero
I mean, they were small fires and no one got hurt, but still. Awesome.
This is a great bar, except you can't even randomly burst into song without them assuming you're drunk and cutting you off.
I was afraid she wouldn't be able keep up but I woke up in a bathtub, she called me a pussy and made me pancakes.
How is it that I, the only one that didn't drink last night, was the only one puking out the car window?
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