you fell asleep during kickboxing this morning
how does that even happen??
Never name a vibrator after ashton kutcher
yeah. you were just sitting there watching transformers, caressing your toaster.
Just bought plan B with a coupon. Told the pharmacist I like to keep it classy.
Every day you talk to me ... I literally love you more..
she has a fucking refrigerator full of four loko and is charging 15 dollars a can.... she is like a mini donald trump
You know, I never expected to find myself with a roommate who I'd have to ask not to have sex while I'm in the room. And yet, here we are.
Now she's making me sit here and look at pictures of guys she likes who look like bears. She's calling them her bear friends.
just 'accidentally' changed my relationship status to 'in an open relationship' just to see what offers I might get if I were to dump him. it's not looking good
Its funny how you denied every part of the text except " you hate fat ppl"
Your lack of great college experience of margaritas and foam parties scares me
Taking a shit on the side of the road is not how I imagined this morning would start.
I'm scared to touch anything in this apartment. Even the ceiling.
So the tow truck driver didn't charge us because Ian convinced him that he was sent out by God to share his cocaine with us.
I'm kinda sad I'm leaving the bank. I never got to have rough sex in the vault.
drinking vodka out of a wine glass to feel a little bit classier about myself.
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