I'm surrounded by 3 year olds in tutus. They are far too innocent to be within at least 500 ft of me.
Youre at medical school. Im eating raw cookie dough, pickles, and orange juice. Naked. On a monday afternoon. I clearly make better life choices than you.
they told me they were banning four lokos so yeah i did have to buy 42 of them
I wish I could go back in time 3 years and tell my freshman self how easy it is to hook up with freshmen
i love all of you. Physical. Emotional. Mental. All of it. When we speak i feel like a feather or a dragon depending on the conversation ...
I just want to steal his innocence through his penis. I really do.
I don't mean to ruin your favorite Disney movie...but...we both came when Mufasa died.
I just took a dump to end all dumps. Other dumps have already written ballads about it. It was the Armageddon dump. Bruce Willis was there, it was awful.
Topless bubble bath with a lesbian is debatable as a gay experience.
I saw a kid peeing outback so I yelled "you have a small pecker, but its ok cuz when life gives you lemons..." and proceeded to throw lemons at him
I'd have paid money to see Cookie Monster playing with a vibrator
And, through a series of unfortunate events, I am at my grandmothers birthday party in a short dress and no underwear
it was a hallmark card with butt plugs.
Oh my god.. Saw a commercial for Captain Morgan. Made me gag a little bit.
On my way home I saw a car that had "MOVE OVER PLZ" emblazoned across the windshield backwards, so people could see it in their rearview mirror
If I ever drive for Lyft or Uber I'm definitely gonna do that
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