When I'm drunk and can't pee, I sing my abc's in my head and try to pee before I get to pee. Last night I forgot to do it in my head
Terrible. Enormous nipples with a small ring of boob on the outside. It looked like a tittie eclipse
i just snorted my name. best moment ever
after we finished, she said she had been a backup performer for Cirque du Soleil. THAT flexible.
this boner is fucking legendary. i should name it and celebrate its birthday every year
Well its kinda hard to gift wrap an orgasm
Dick in a box?
Me focusing on not shitting my pants is keeping me awake.
Nothing like the It's a Small World ride at Disneyland to remind you to take your birth control. I took it on the boat yesterday
That hot shower felt like it washed away all of my problems... Except being pregnant... Ps just found out I'm pregnant. Fuck.
I'm warming McDonald's pies on my heater cause I'm too high for the microwave.
Also, full disclose I puked in a fruit barrel box
I AM BEING ACCOSTED BY A HUMMING BIRD
I AM IN MILD DISTRESS
Just had a small freak out because I couldn't get my bra unhooked and thought I was gonna be stuck in it forever.
You bet your firm but soft ass I miss you
Anything special planned for Valentines Day?
Does testing the strength of my coworker’s marriage count?
Randomize
