my door was closed and her door was closed but even over the r.kelly playing at full blast i was able to hear her say "THAT'S NOT THE RIGHT HOLE!". Def rethinking my roommate situation.
how do flat chested girls get laid?
Dont judge me. Him and his friends got me drunk for free, the least i could do was suck his dick
There are Star Wars cutouts in his basement. Obi Wan Kenobe watched me give him a handjob.
How long is it safe to eat only Hot Pockets and Popsicles?
I woke up with someone else's vomit on my ass. That's how I'm doing today.
I made two strippers play rock paper scissors to see who would give me a lap dance last night
I mean like, my liver will beg my brain for mercy. Brainll be like I'm Greg Jennings. Liverll be like I'm Darren Sharper. Brainll be like hold my diiiiick.
I can never go back to Jacksonville. We think I may have punched a child in the face while on acid...
Get you some cowboy.
In that sentence you are the cowboy. That is not saying you should get a cowboy for yourself.
spending my first valentines day single in 3 years blazed and eating heart shaped brownies i bought myself. WHO NEEDS A MAN.
Like an undercooked grilled cheese that got cold again. But hairy.
And there goes my desire for sandwiches. Forever.
How do you tell a woman that you are seeing that the scars on your back are from her awesome-in-bed little sister?
I was so drunk I asked my mom if she had always been my mom or if it was someone else for a while
I was pretty sure he wouldn't be into me after I fucked his brother, and then his best friend, and yet, here I am doing lines off his stomach
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