your all-time low pick up line was when you asked a girl "Are you rock-staring at me?"
it's like i need an invisible sign across my boobs that says "DOESN'T HAVE DADDY ISSUES" that only old men can see
he was alternating between taking bites of butter and bagel. he said it was easier than finding a knife
in a garage, wearing a toga, theyre debating the logistics of Coke Pong. If I don't make it out of here... it was me who stole your Barbie in the 4th grade- I've never forgiven myself.
we got kicked out of McDonald's because you kept screaming THAT SHIT CRAY at the woman in front of us because she ordered a fish filet.
...that shit cray.
there's still three solo cups of your puke in my basement. so that needs to be solved at some point.
You forgot your "boyfriend" from last night on my couch. You're suppose to bring that shit with you.
He told me that his favorite part about me is hearing my voice while we fuck. I think that was the nicest thing he has EVER said to me.
Do you think accidently including this month's Credit Card statement in my application will keep me from getting into grad school?
Depends ... when did you purchase your vibrator?
We can't go back there. Ever. No context required, just know it's true.
My entire news feed is ice bucket challenges. I wish there was a hide from feed button like FarmVille
2014 decided to stick it to me one last time. Right up the ass.
Did my roommate wake up in your girlfriend's apartment in drag again?
Remind me to NEVER AGAIN mix beer with tequila with beer with whiskey with vodka with rum with vodka.
I'm seriously scared right now. Woke up next to 3 geese and a lot of feathers ..
Randomize
