so I woke up this morning and on their fridge, the first item on the shopping list was my virginity.
I just said that Oprah is crazy and like 5 fat white girls jumped down my throat. I sat back and smiled.
drunk taco night MLK would want it this way.
They were going around the house breaking things and screaming "Not my house!"
I'm bringing a flask to the test on friday. If I'm gonna fail at least I can enjoy the experience
is it mean that i live tweeted about whether or not my roommate and her bf were having sex or were wrestling?
He asked me "did you used to go to church" while we were having sex.
It's his sex noise. "I'm gonna cu-THE LORD IS MY SHEPARD AND I SHALL NOT WANT"
I hate it when fuck holes buy me drinks at the bar. You don't know my order. You don't know me. You don't know where I've been. You don't know my life.
I'm buying groceries with adderoll. I hope I'm never this broke again.
Like I actually don't feel all that great but the fact that I'm not projectile vomiting at work makes life seem so magical
fuck off. It's 10am and I'm drink gin and ginger ale through a twizzler straw. My life is marvellous
bonging vodka is the same level of "good idea" as eating machetes
I woke up in the middle of the night on all fours turning circles in my bed! No more patron for me!
I told him I hooked up with his best friend. And then he ate me out. I'm just THAT GOOD.
Randomize
