vicodin is the reason why I believe in magic
Some bum walked up and watched me getting head last night for like 5 mins before I noticed him
I woke up and there is a food processor in my purse. Someone else's framed family photo. My front door is wide open and my gerbil is playing in the water bong.
Yeah I'm going to bathe him.
You hopped on the counter after puking, and told us you were wearing bare feet and didn't want to be alone.
So another one of your girlfriends from middle school had a baby. Thank god you are gay, otherwise you would definitely be a dad by now.
Walked up in time to hear him say "you saw I was in a relationship on facebook? So why are you holding my nuts?" To her. That's loyalty man
AND I JUST GOT FUCKING DAUGHTER ZONED. NO. I'M DONE. I HATE BOYS. ASEXUALITY HERE I COME.
Dude. I realize why I got sick. 8 shots three beers in an hour. Plus I ate an expired lunchable earlier.
well after pounding on the ceiling for 5 mins i just went up there to tell them to shut up.. 2 hours later i'm naked, high, lying on their kitchen floor. it escalated so quickly
How many other adults do you think have slept naked under the Winnie the Pooh blanket sober?
He stopped his car in the middle of ongoing traffic to ask me to marry him. Then he got pulled over. Yeah I'd say the slutty Dallas Cowboys costume was a success.
Your hotness may or may not have landed him in jail.
I didn't think this needed to be said, but our sexts are an emoji free zone
Whenever you have to pee or whatever I'll be over here to harass you
Hypothetically speaking, at what point does fire become too much fire?
I'd date him. I'd date the fucking shit out of him.
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