I wish your couch was made out of beer. I would drink like half of it.
I actually just cleaned easy glide lube off my desk. My life has gone way down hill since I met you.
I totally have a Rabbi on speed dial now. Keep it Kosher.
so went to the condom shack today. bought a condom that dresses up your dick in a suit...tomorrow im fucking in style
Bottle rocket just missed my head by about 3 inches. Of course I'm being safe
omg dinner turned into a foam party this is weiriiid
This from the guy I found eating salad out of a pot lid in his boxers on his porch last night.
She just gave me a free latte.
Correction. She just have you a frothy, creamy path to that vagina.
dude throwing a golf cart off a pier is harder than it seems!
I asked the full emergency room who else was there because of homecoming and every single person raised their hand
The creepiest man is serenading me at the bar right now. I had about a quarter of a drink left and the bartender just walked over and filled it with vodka and walked away laughing.
You set fire to his cat.
In my defense, I did not think it would be in the trash bag.
I'm very disappointed that your kitten almost ate my weed cake...
he's fucking insane. he's worse than me. is that even possible? I'm only with him because his dick is huge. I need Jesus.
It’s like a sexy version of those choose your own adventure books from when we were kids. No matter what you choose, there will be penis!
Randomize