Bitches at mcdonalds acting like they never seen a girl puke in her own coat pocket before
I cannot even. Taco bell reception. Beers. New friends from Georgia.
Im just saying it can't be that bad if he drove himself to the er. We'll head that way when we finish playing scattergories
Oh my god I just remembered I bit a stripper last night.
Well I found out I was essentially dumped and replaced by a hipster and apparently offered a girl $95 to go out with me. In the spirit of the Olympics I will not be spending any time on the medal stand.
My cat clawed my face because i tried to give it a foot massage...never doing shrooms again.
I'm wearing green eyeshadow so even if I end up totally naked I still won't get pinched.
No. Dude. I didn't knoe it eas floibg to move. It's slepprru ixuy!
This whole having a new phone thing is like starting all over in life with a clean slate! (My old text convos are gone)
New phone new life!
just move with us, we wanted to get a dog. youre kind of the same thing..
Im sorry you'll never get the feeling of closeness when you go to pee outside and you realize you're peeing right where someone else just peed
Hungover on St. Patrick's Day. I did this backwards.
Pretty sure that I just proved those labels that say "non-flammable" wrong. totally unrelated, We just made your futon fly with a shitload of fireworks
I wish u could call a dildo. Like you do a missing cell phone.
Want a bet? I'm a kinky and determined motherfucker with a libido that is not easily stopped
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