Dude someone changed all the contacts in my phone to I Like Eggs
Whoa! I think of you when I eat cottage cheese.
so after morning sex, she rolled a joint and turned on sports center
you might have found the rare bro goddess. i thought they were myth
I just had one of those moments where i was really sad that i'll never get to be asian.
He's prob getting laid right now and I'm sitting alone in my duct tape shoes.
The 9th floor RA wants to know why we stacked 21 cinder blocks in the shower, and I can't remember. Do you?
apparently it's a turnoff if you ask a guy why he thinks he needs to use magnums
The last thing I remember was doing a line in the shape of Texas
Anywho, an ostrich attacked me today. Fucking useless pieces of shit birds.
It is super hard to find a good vegan dominatrix! THAT'S why I'm single
I asked him to make me two boxes of macaroni and cheese. That's like eight servings. How did I think that was an okay amount.
My favorite part of you downing a fifth of fireball in my apartment by yourself is the shot glass in the sink. It's like you attempted moderation and were just like "Fuck this."
I just bought a butt plug on Amazon prime day and you're the only person I felt would appreciate that decision
I wish I had a tail.
Why?
...why not?
Call me a snob but I'm not banging chicks with more fingers than teeth.
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