Steel Reserve is the RC Cola of alcohol. It's never ok.
thats it. im googling how to make you boobs smaller. this is getting out of control.
The sky will open, cue choir of angels: "oh! wow! Matt was right! Not only will I grow out my bush, but I'm going to date straight, available men!"
How do you say "I always respond to booty calls" when you give a guy your number?
Just walk-of-shame'd past fifteen little girls at summer camp. Take a good look girls, I am you in twelve years.
I'm making a contract of things you're not allowed to put in my ass
and then he started using my ass as a stressball
Did you know there's no emoticon to really tell you that I just consumed a magic brownie?
Okay hun. Well my neighbors haven't called the cops yet so I think we're good. No more burning in the yard.
I have an ideal penis or slightly above ideal penis in every country that isn't ruined by the specter of communism
About to go make a man out of a 24 year old boy
As I shove my ninth taquito of the day into my mouth...
Picking our battles
drinking vodka out of a wine glass to feel a little bit classier about myself.
Drunk purchased a negligee, plan b, keds and Himalayan salt shot glasses.. there’s only one reasonable purchase there, and we both know it’s not the sneakers
you were just in my dream and you looked at me and said "Christmas is cold." I think you're wasted even in my dreams.
I refuse to take any type of advice let alone love advice from a motherfucker who is missing 3 fingers from a Fucked up masturbating accident.
Randomize