It was at that point the crowd that gathered realized i wasn't getting arrested, and passed the sobriety tests. I got a standing ovation from 25 strangers
when im not freaking out about dying alone and unloved, i actually really enjoy being single
i may or may not be dressed up as my farmville farmer. gonna harvest some ladiesss tonight!!!
I will never get the visual of you crying while chewing christmas lights out of my head
Okay, good. And if you have one of those portable strip poles that would be nice too.
Wait, you seriously DON'T keep vodka in your backpack??!??!?
I fucking hate you. Some slutty looking drunk chick backed her ass up across the bar and started grinding on you. You ignored her because you didn't want to share you drink
I care about my drink far more than her feelings
And then I cried about the Cubs for a half hour. If my dignity hadn't already been lost by that point in the night, it sure as hell was then.
I'll have you know my trust issues and my daddy issues are two COMPLETELY different topics of conversation.
I need a priest, doctor, and therapist after this weekend.
You came walking in the backyard at 10am, in cowboy boots, a new shirt, and had no money,....we lost you for 15 hours....i think you just need a camera crew, or an assistant. IMPRESSED!
How do I tell my hairdresser I want a hair style I saw in a porn video?
Totally thought something squeezed my boob. Then I remembered I was wearing a bra. Isn't weed great?
I can’t tell if I have feelings for him or if my vagina does.
I should never have to text my best friend asking if she eloped again last night.
I may or may not have been feeling patriotic and banged Captain America in a closet. SPOILER ALERT: We broke his shield
Randomize
