Dude. I just woke up without a shirt or bra on. Apparently I fell asleep with a quesadilla in my mouth. I can feel my liver hating me.
Gonna get hammered and start online dating men in prison. But... only the ones who get out within two years.
Girl's gotta have her standards.
its like an ocean threw up right in your lap
just found preset five on the shower head...pretty sure my pussy just had a panic attack
Every time I get scared about the fact that I'm falling for him I remember that he juggles and is hung like a mastadon and everything is a-ok.
NEVER LET ME DO THIS AGAIN I FEEL LIKE I'M GONNA SHIT MYSELF TO DEATH ARGHHHHHGHHG IS THIS WHAT DYSENTERY FEELS LIKE
I think he's having people over to watch him get way too drunk again
My nose hurts from that stripper beating me with her tits
How am I supposed to be friends with him when there's an exact replica of his dick in my underwear drawer?
My dick pics could make it to the popular page on Instagram.
I want to be tan and drunk. Is that too much to ask for?
Before we have sex for the first time I would like "eye of the tiger" to be playing to mentally prepare me for what I'm about to endure.
"He didn't answer my snap so I know he's arrested"
I feel like I might be the only person I know who eats bundles of radishes in-between orgasms from their vibrator.
Just had a flashback of scottish man yellin' at my face. What the fuck I did?
Randomize
