fter the third song from an iPod commercial played I realized how much that frat sucked.
just woke up in my neighbors garage.
scratch that. I'm like 6 miles from my house in a random garage.
I took a shit in your bathtub. Nothings off limits
He said he has something to give me... I swear to God if it's a joint or a framed picture of his penis i'm going to kill him
No matter what I do you still love me. It's like loving a retarded kid. A retarded kid that keeps trying to sleep with you.
He's just a really nice guy who stuck his tongue in the wrong place.
A man bought two 40's from me, then asked if I had duct tape. How do people over 50 know about Edward 40hands? It was very weird.
Starting the weekend with a pair of pants on which the zipper wont stay up. Is this a sign of things to come??
I just had sex with the megalodon show on in the background and it was just as magical as it sounds
Our prom king just sent me a dick pic. I know it's 10 years later but I feel like I've finally made it.
Did we have sex last night?
No. You laid in my bed and I brought you taco bell.
There's nothing more rewarding than telling you that I fucked your dad
Which is worse that I came in public or that no one noticed?
According to my Fitbit I was passed out in my car for 2 hours after she got us kicked out of the bar
No one can touch me, I'm made of fruit.
Randomize
