My mouth tastes like defeat. Did he at least have money?
I'm scared
There's nothing to be scared of. My penis is average size.
That's what I'm afraid of
New discovery: conditioner is better for jerking off than baby oil. Fuck yes.
So you really have to stop introducing me to girls and afterwards saying "he has his dick pierced" let them find out for themselves
whatever happens this semester dont let me be that girl yacking in the urinal. again.
Make sure to show her the sewer we were arrested in on your tour.
no more heavy drinking durning the lady that cleans the office told me i have to emtpy my own thrash if i puke in it
dude wearing that thong all day was not worth the 7 bucks
So as your former husband, I get to give you away at the wedding right?
she just nodded and said "yeah, I'd fuck him for a reese's peanut butter cup". it's so nice to know I'm not the biggest whore living here
I came home to him frying bacon to put in his beer. He said bacon beer lights, taste the awesomer rockies
So apparently I was a completely different person lastnight, one who drinks scotch and makes out with 55 year old men who look like inspector gadget
He thought I was gay. I had to explain I just really like wearing flannel.
Update: He still has devil magic genitals.
You know you suck at relationships when you are sitting in the airport on Christmas day, alone, swiping on Tinder.
Randomize
