So today I found out that our school is known as the herpes school
How do you politely bring up someone's criminal record?
Well, at first I was really confused. But then I realized that he was talking from his penis's perspective... in third person.
I made him sleep with a condom on and i passed out on the carpet with only a bra on.
I stole a fireplace last night.
Chicken wings don't come back up an through your nose as easily as you'd think
My tweets this weekend consisted of me telling every bar I went to that they were my favorite valentine. I've never felt like more of an alcoholic
We're going as conductors of the hot mess train and nobody rides for free
Our tip jar will say "just put the tip in, see how it feels"
You are in a fancy European city. The best way to truly experience the city is through Tinder
I'm determined to sit on that face.
Scientific fact: if he makes a face like a demonic dog when he's fucking you, makes it easier to fuck without feelings.
So many people have told me I have great tits tonight, I'm unstoppable
You know that thing where you wouldn't typically eat ass but you're in love with him so you want to eat his ass, because it's HIS ass
before i could order beers she was on stage 69ing with a stripper
My last memory of last night was being in a laundry room doing blow and admiring a washer and dryer... I think that's the earmark of old age
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