I had a dream you and I were having sex. It was pretty romantic.... until you started pulling out toys.
You know, if there were no such thing as marriage, i don't think porn would exist.
ok this guy next to me just sat down with a no joke, 10,000 page book, popped an addy, cracked open a red bull and opened the book to page 1.
I don't think child baring hips is a compliment.
Also, my phone autocorrects ENABLER to all caps. I think I drunk text the word too often.
I don't care. I'll text you about my butthole whenever I please. That's what you signed up for in this relationship.
Opened my purse to realize I have someone else's birth certificate. What happens to me in college?
Had a grope session with a girl who looked like my Mom and had the same name as her as well. I think therapy is in order.
YOU WORK IN THE US CAPITOL! YOU CANNOT HAVE SEX IN THE BATHROOM!!
Dude, you are totally ruining intern season for me...
strip vodka pong is never a good idea. I saw into his colon when he picked up the ball off the floor
Some guy was coming onto me last night and in the middle of it all he said: 'It literally says this on my birth certificate: Francis Coburt: The Guy Who Can Pull Two Beers Outta His Pants Like Magic.'
You called me into the kitchen so you could show me that you were peeing in the kitchen sink and then told me to leave bc you couldn't do it with me watching
I don't really feel bad about it, but I legit just squirted in the back of an Uber and it makes me think how many times has this happened before?!?!
I only know one person in my class and that's my dealer.
Omg no hes gotta go down on me. Then itll be like my vagina has kissed the stanley cup.
Randomize
