You know how i spent all of black friday on the plane? Well guess who's getting a x-mas gift from skymall?!!??
my facebook is like a giant collection of my one night stands
Just got the test results back. All clean, Now whose an idiot for going bareback in South America for 3 months straight.
Def walking back to my apt with a blender, an empty vodka bottle, and a half eAtn drumstick cone.
your like the ambassador to my penis.
after we were done she whispered to my dick "you sir, are a genius"
I guess all those years with her as your babysitter finally paid off.
I don’t know what's weirder; the fact that I weigh more with an erection..or the fact that I actually weighed myself with an erection...
I woke up with a russian doll attached to my necklace and a post-it note with "keep babushka safe" written on it. Fuck vodka
you took a picture of the hospital bathroom and sent it to me
well considering the guy who just delivered my cookies had to console me as i had a mental breakdown in front of him i'd say i'm 4/10 right now, thank you
I don't like how my gyno is telling me how to live my life.
I got a charlie horse in my ass while masturbating. We are never been going to that boot camp again.
She's high and screaming MEREDITH IS A WHORE
SHE POOPED THE CONDOM WHOLE
I was told I look like trouble once and that was by a fireman at the sex show. I was carrying two beers and a penis pinata.
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