Astroglide: It's like Bengay for your ass.
You tried to tip the paramedic for finding you.
It's too hard to jack off and hold an ipad at the same time
I had to hold off a girl who was trying to check your pulse while you were passed out. She kept screaming that she was a nursing major and needed to make sure you were alive.
She didn't need to know her brother was thrown out of a bar for getting head on the dance floor. You're a shit head.
She sucks enough dick that I could make her mouth a legitimate Yelp location.
I mean, I introduced myself as "the after party". I think he knew early in the night he was in for a bangathon.
I've got a 90 day supply of amoxicillin in case of zombie or chlamydia outbreak
he went down on me to a drake song and now i think i need a penicillin shot
Trust me, I'm a professional lesbian.
I'm just drunk enough to be eating egg rolls on the toilet
I'm sorry, but the bed has won this battle. I got up, changed my shirt, combed my hair, put on some deodorant, and then looked at my bed and got back in
Your friend was nice but you didn't have to bang her in my kitchen...just sayin.
Its really hard to take a shit when the dog wont stop trying to crawl into your lap
If I told the doordash driver it's national nudity day, think he'd still report me for being topless at the door?
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