I really like you and I'm tired of just hooking up. I want you be my boyfriend.
Uhh, I'm not breaking up with my girlfriend to be with you.
I have to look really hot tonight because my personality is going to suck.
My wife all of the sudden got markedly better at giving blow jobs. Should I be happy or concerned?
i'm crying at olive garden. i've hit rock bottom
she stopped mid-blowjob to explain how to acheive the haircut shown in the movie
So awkward... The newspaper lady just caught me sitting stoned in my driveway at 5 am and asked if I was okay. I'm way better than ok right now
I didn't just randomly come up with it. But if you want to give me extra credit for creativity I have a bare chest and chocolate sauce left
Fuck you fireball...just straight up fuck out of here
I just slapped myself in the face with my dildo and I know that's a weird thing to share but I just had to tell to someone omg I'm laughing so hard
I recall trading my iPhone watch for a carton of Marlboros.
How am i even supposed to meet his daughter? "Hi, Claire, I hear we have so much in common, like we both love your Dad and also we're almost the same age."
Never in my life have I been so excited to nap as I am right now.
being broke is really keeping my alcoholism in check
He brought me another shot of rum, ice and my underwear when I woke up.
What a gentleman.
I KNOW, right?!
So do you guys remember Danny from Tinder?
Sorry I only remember personality traits, not names.
Randomize
