Just puked in a mcdonalds cup while driving. Didn't even swerve.
1. I feel like Jello 2. The girl i hooked up with last night isn't here and a different girl is lying next to me. 3. I have no clothes on 4. Can guys go on walks of shame?
I looked at her and said "I now pronounce you pumpkin tits"
Dude... You bled on his hand... At this point it doesn't matter that you called him your exes name, seriously.
Why does it always end up with me crying in my car.
He ended up walking out of his bedroom and told me to look at the nonexistent fire he was holding in his hand. Im upset I didn't take those shrooms.
Guess the answer to the last 2 texts right and you'll get a boob shot tonight. Guess wrong and it will be a picture of a used, boogery kleenex.
We all make mistakes. Just lock them up deep down inside your mind so they can surface as weird sexual fantasies it takes your therapist years to decipher when your 40
Maybe you should start carrying pepper spray. You are like the Justin Bieber of lesbians.
List 10 things your GF won't do for you, and we can work through that list.
Ok fine, yes she's pregnant. But you're ignoring the most important part. HER BOOBS GOT BIGGER. That doesn't happen every day, and I owe it to myself to enjoy those boobs before the belly catches up to them!
We just had sex on an abandoned logging road while wearing snow shoes. God bless Montana boys.
you're welcome to come here, except my beds from ikea so it's more unstable than i am
We were looking everywhere for you and I finally found you in the closet talking to a build a bear.. So I gave you and myself another drink
I feel a blackout coming on
Plz don't have me burst into your house saying you're late for re airport to rescue you from a fat girl again
That was 2 times
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