i woke up to 115 texts from him all saying "do you love me??"
We had a long talk in which he told me he respects me more than any other girl. 30 minutes later, I got a facial.
I just had a flashback of me saying "I'm not ready to be a deadbeat mom" lastnight.
we went to the bar with our boss and you tried to play a song from the atm machine
Can we put your name for the shipping address for penis ice luge?
Why can't it ever be the normal ones that stalk me?
Almost screamed "GO FISH MOTHER FUCKER" at the girl I nanny today. Drunken card games shouldn't bleed into my sober life.
When asked if they had been introduced, Damo said "No but I know we've pretty much fucked all the same girls in town"
Some guy in the bathroom just took his shirt off and proceeded to tell me the story behind all of his stab wounds. That's what I get for making small talk
dude girls our age are getting married and having babies and I still can't figure out how to defrost my hotpockets
Now when you said you'd never sleep with me, did you really mean never on a Monday or never without handcuffs or a blindfold or never on a airplane or never without lots of booze? Cus never is a pretty strong word.
There is a check pinned to the wall at Connor's. It's a check I wrote for $1,000,000... To you. Clearly you made out well on St. Patrick's day. Thanks for being too shitfaced to remember to grab that.
It was dumb but not something to force me into sobriety
Had a dream I dropped the L word and immediately threatened to kill myself
You probably shouldn't be having nightmares about expressing affection
Now after not puking, next step is not to do the accent when immigration says "hello."
Randomize