I just found a frying pan...in my bed.
you asked a group of latinas stood by the bar to hold a minutes silence for ugly betty getting cancelled. that drunk.
i wrote her a fucking poem. i better get laid for that
So my birthday was awesome. Only remember 45 min of it but I woke up with a girl on the couch and a half bowl of ground beef
It's like I just got slapped in the face with the cock of nostalgia.
I think she finds the idea of a naked fat man lying on the table and holding our butter offensive
Well I mean he is in a slightly seductive pose
He has great taste in girls. I feel closer to my Eskimo sisters than my real sister...
I think he might be using me for sex. I also think I might be ok with that.
He told me he needed "space" but then goes and likes my insta of panacakes.. Done.
Before consuming her Waffle House she did a few deep breaths and cleared the table to "prepare herself for this"
Dude, I just feel great. I love life so much and I love you. Love. Love. So much love.
So this morning when I woke up. I found my refrigerator open and no more food. It was empty, I'm home alone for the week. Where in hell did that food go?
hey can you come unlock the basement door? I'm trapped in here.
no I can't, you're a safety hazard. but, there's a beer keg down there somewhere. we don't have cups, but help yourself.
Legal advice please. Can you sue someone for jerking off to photos of you?
I remember waking up on the bathroom floor and seeing my teeth behind the toilet
Randomize
