I'm curled up in a ball on the floor of my office with the lights off. I hope no one notices. No more open bar. Woof.
You keep asking me questions like I have this magical thing called a memory
Just walked past a girl wearing nothing but flip flops and an oversized sweatshirt crying by the front gates eating pizza. i just found your soulmate.
got hammered last night, woke up this morning to 38 texts that varied from "you fucking asshole" to "i can be there in 10 minutes"
Well, we missed our public lewdness court date. Looks like were going to jail in Alabama ...
Thanks for not cleaning the drain like you were supposed to. I just vomited in the shower and I had to stand in it until I was done conditioning.
You better drive. If I decide to let them talk me into a 3-way, I don't want you to be stranded.
In hindsight buying the pill crusher with my vicodin prescription might have been too much.
Just woke up with a blunt in each nostril and a lighter duct taped to my chest...good lookin out
I'm slightly possesive over the gucamole when i'm stoned.
Is that why you left peanut shells in my bed?
my revenge plans when i'm high are never as good as i think they are
Hey I know you're not home, but I'm here. Your front door is unlocked and someone took shit on your doormat...
Do you think I'm short enough to dress up in a ghost costume and go trick or treating and have people believe that I'm actually a child?
I fucked some frat guy. Then I found my brother after and made him take his shirt off and then I made him tell me he loves me
Blame the bisexuality and move on?
What should've been a 10 minute beer run turned into her having a 40 minute mental breakdown in my car while in the parking lot. She then asked if she could live at my house and be my girlfriend. Her finishing act was stealing my peanut m&m's.
Well, when a girl introduces herself as "stormy" and gets your number from her boyfriends phone, I'd say that your situation is to be expected.
Randomize
