Call me Kermit cause I'm about to go piggin
I need to shower the guilt off of my thighs.
you better believe me or I'll punch you in the face
He tried to blame not having a condom on the economy.
Oh my god. I think I just sexted my mom...
What?!
Fwd: Ride me, you sleek sleek woman!!!
He passed out drunk on top of me. Fully erect. Still inside me. Woke up like 1 minute later, and continued.
you handed the cop a condom last night and said "it's all about protect and serve right?"
I could be wrong, but im pretty sure i jumped off the roof after my lighter.
idk. I was on the deck with Dominic and i felt something weird on my arm. I looked down and you were licking my elbow.
Well, I'm getting my ex-boyfriend to get me a z pack to cure the chlamydia I got from my married fuck buddy so that I can fuck one of my students.
He just subscribed to one of my Spotify playlists. The next step is sex.
Also I just had a pointless meeting and the only thing I accomplished were my kegals
I passed up getting laid last night. It's almost been a YEAR - what the Hell was I thinking, being so choosy??
So many questions so I’ll prioritize. How did I survive last night?
I have easymac and six pack of beer. This night can't get any better.
Randomize
