How crunk are you?
I'm a Tom Selleck. Zero being Tipper Gore and max being the Bush twins
I hope to God it wasnt poon. That odor was unnatural, it was satanic pussy.
If he doesn't notice me by the next party, i'm just gonna go up to him and pll his pants down and blow him.
Sounds like a plan.
im at a party in sweatpants, slippers, and a basketball jersey from the eighth grade, 10 bucks says im still getting laid
I checked into jail on foursquare
Just passed a Taco Bell Taco Supreme, still in its wrapper, laying in the grass. I'd like a moment of silence.
May it rest in peace.
she got the salsa and pickles out of the fridge looked at me and said what can i make with this
She said, "awww, you're so sweet" after I started putting on a condom. How many STDs have I just contracted?
Just made a jeopardy bj game. Every question has 10-50 seconds on it and if he's right that's how many he gets.
ummm im also counting the $14 dollars I gave the old guy to pay for the cab I called for him to take to the hospital last night as part of ur present.
It's hard to hold down the snapchat button for video while thrusting. Sorry if the cinematography wasn't Oscar-worthy.
I feel like if he almost got me pregnant once, i can at least say hi in a bar
The not so cute guy next to me made me play Kid Rock on the jukebox but I'm a big believer in free drinks so I obliged.
Girl. There is no more toilet paper. You should have seen the twerking I just did to shake the pee off.
It is NEVER not funny to me when I am sitting at a table and I've touched the dicks of every single person I'm sitting with.
Randomize
