But, I don't have the body of a porn star, so nobody would hire me. Unless they're doing like a trip to the safari and they need an albino rhino
I'm at the house listening to vengaboys alone. Please come home.
New favorite sorority...they made me pancakes in the morning and welcomed back the walk of shame girls with a round of applause
dude, it should not be this hard to find a bottomless mimosa on a friday morning
I just called my cat a slut and she responded. Proudest moment ever.
Well if it makes you feel any better I threw up at Roadhouse. And then on the way to the train. And then in a water fountain. And then in a plastic bag on the train.
I think throwing up in my her purse is probably why we broke up
sorry for the blank pocket text. My penis obviously has nothing to say to you.
he slapped my stomach and proclaimed it a baby-free zone
ps if your frozen peas taste like crotch it's because some dude kicked me in the nuts while trying to do a keg stand and I needed an ice pack
In other news my cocaine dealer got arrested for heaving some kid out of a fourth story window.
He said he was walking down to the White Castle for sliders, still drinking straight from a 750. He came back two hours later pushing a grocery cart that had two puppies in it.
The puppies promptly had the squirts all over the living room, as he had fed them the sliders.
Hey do you eat chocolate chip pancakes with bacon in?
DO NOT MAIL ME A PANCAKE
I got wing sauce on the baby and licked it off. If you were wondering how I'm doing.
The next morning I found her spread eagle asleep on the living room floor and he was asleep with his head in her crotch. I needed a ride and had to wake them up.
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