i just got so high i needed a buddy system to the kitchen
Her boobs were tiny. I could have used her bra as a blind fold. Which in hindsight would have made things a lot better.
why is pumping your own stomach in your searches on youtube?
random question: do you know anywhere in the tri-state that has elephant racing? this is a work related question.
when are you leaving homes?
it's 7:51. why the fuck are you awake at 7:51
I had a sex dream about Oprah.
go back to sleep
dude. it was a sex dream. about. Oprah.
i'm pretty sure they aren't charging me for that window i broke with a turkey sandwich while i was hammered.
sometimes i think my sole purpose in life is to cockblock my roommate
I know it was you because you're the only person I know who gets drunk and craves soup.
Soup is delicious
Lil wasted at a baby shower. Here's to beating teen pregnancy BOTTOMS UP
Is it bad that i wanna bang this girl ONLY because she looks like my cousin?
We 6 way cheers-ed with French fries last night, hammered, in the booth.
I sent him a bunch of texts telling him that his beard wasn't long enough yet so we couldn't fuck and to text me back in a few hours if it had.
Hello Officers/Paramedics, judging by last night, my friend is dead. The money in his pockets is mine, he owed me. Please send me directions to whichever morgue/strip club for pick up.
This is why we can never be together. Well that and we r married to other ppl but that's very minor detail compared to the coffee issue
Pretty sure the guy at the Halloween party dressed as an ice cream man is working his way through the building without a care for gender or age. He high-fives me on his way out each morning.
Randomize
