if i die, you can have my worn out liver and american apparel deep v's.sell the liver to a chinese restaurant
dude on moped wearing crocs...somebody get this guy his man card back
There need to be more gay people on my afternoon soaps.
Taking the airport shuttle drunk should not happen this often in my life.
they told you the "weed man" wouldn't come until you were asleep, like santa claus. you believed it.
You know, last years football game was epic, but seeing the same girl that gave you a bj in the parking lot, in the same parking spot...that's fate.
In preparation for st patty's day I finally had a shamrock shake, and I invested in an app that will apparently keep me from drunkenly texting you pictures of my tits this weekend. Please let me know if you want to not be put on the "forbidden" list!
Missing part of a tooth cos I tried to open a beer with my teeth, just saw a dude that looked like bill Cosby though so things are looking up
There's cereal in my underwear. Was I in your apartment at any time last night? That's the only logical explanation for this.
And why in he fuck did I get 'dick' in Romanian tattooed on my forearm
So I paid Bumble $10 to see who liked my profile for a month. Cheap, easy dick. It's all about the economics, yo.
I impressed him by taking off my panties without removing my pants.
I'm going to get drunk, come back, call my grandma, and eat all those scrambled eggs.
the good news is I finally used my captain america waffle maker to make captain america waffles
What do you mean relationship? He paid for my tires and I gave him a blow job.
Randomize
