i broke my thumb. i no longer have 2 opposable thumbs. i'm sub-human. i love vicodin.
i just turned the eviction notice into a beer pong list
So I purposely left a bunch of metal in my pockets so that the smokin hot TSA officer would give me a pat down. Airport security just got fun
We fucked in your water heater closet. Told you we'd try everywhere.
On a lighter note, my mom and I were playing scattergories, and for "things that you keep hidden" we both put dildo. Proof that we really are related.
It felt like Party Santa dropped by and gave us two more 18-packs.
Pack light, we're going straight to bar from the train. No place to put our shit.
Dude all I'm bringing is my dick and a phone charger.
Got to the gym, getting changed, found a jello shot in my shoes.
Definitely had a dick in my ass while watching the Seahawks win. Best NFC Championship game ever.
I'm really sorry I hooked up with your student on the dance floor..
Turns out that Irishman put my panties under his pillow afterward. Thanks?
They already have a joint checking account. She's got his balls in her purse! What's next, a shared Facebook account?
Me and some guy are crying in a port a potty together after another guy broke up with both of us.
I just got a handjob in the back of an Uber while a large German dude and a Midwestern fuck-boi sang along in falsetto to the Bohemian Rhapsody.
If that pentatonix bullshit is playing when I get home we're breaking up
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