He had a huge mole on his dick. Genetics has cockblocked him for life.
It's okay, I climbed on the roof of the bar to get my shoe back. This may become a Saturday tradition. I'll keep you updated
He is now tagging himself in my pics from last year where he is barely visable in the corner. i feel like he's marking his territory.
These shoes are way too nice for a walk of shame. Its how I keep myself in line.
Can I get a "hallelujah" for railing my pastors daughter last night?
I just tripped out to the Angel of Music from Phantom of the Opera in my car. Wayyyy to high for shuffle right now.
Doing tequila shots with my ex to celebrate that we broke up... not awkward at all.
Oh. My. God. Dad smoked a bowl. He's been playing cards...I just told a story and when I was done, he got really close to my face and very seriously asked me if he had cheese in his beard. I'm about to die.
151 hangover. Need apocalypse.
turns out putting a tie on my unicorn onesie didn't make it acceptable "formal wear" and I found salsa in my cup holder
I'm beginning to think shitting his pants is just a normal thing for him.
extra points if i make kids and or the elderly cry
A log hopped out of the fireplace and caught the carpet on fire. Good summary of this election if you ask me.
how did i manage to wake up with my bra on backwards?
just because he was passed out beside the toilet, didn't give you tge right to pee on him
my aim is off when im drunk
Randomize
