he broke up with me so i peed in his bed
nothing makes up for a small, perpetually flaccid penis quite like a British accent
i just looked up and i was like omg ballsack and then i didnt know what to do
I just five second ruled a donut I dropped at starbucks, everyones staring
mimosa in my stainless steel water bottle. going green is not that bad.
We found your brother, passed out, floating in our pool, with a bottle, on a blow up mattress. How did he mange to walk 2 blocks and get into our backyard?
you kept yelling "this bitch stole my phone" to the guy who found you passed out in the parking lot
That's fun. I just masturbated and I swear my vagina creaked.
All I remember is mattress sliding down the stairs while giving him a blow-job. Sorry you had to witness the incident.
Just spent the last 5 minutes laughing at my epipen. i think i'm too high.
What's sign language for "you may not be the father?" Kinda important right now.
At second job interview this week. Wearing pants to hide pole dancing bruises. This my life.
He kept stopping sex to whisper in my ear, and the only thing I could understand was "double stuffed oreos"
Got a snapchat from Megan last night showing you sobbing about a burrito on the floor with Dan in the background trying not to laugh his ass off
you were screaming "I don't need a shirt!" repeatedly while in the process of taking it off and flashing the bouncer. we got kicked out. thanks a lot.
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