I really wish i had a penis so i could dick slap that bitch right now
no one should ever give us hovercrafts
i was concerned for your health after you took your "last shot" four times...
I felt like a fire hydrant the vomit just kept coming out
i distinctly remember leaping through the apartment to rescue the clam chowder burning in the kitchen
Just got my cast off. My occupational therapist wants me to self-gratify. My clit is about to have an awesome weekend...
I am the master of subtle flirting. I seduced him by simulating a hand job with an epi-pen during training.
the guy in the stall next to me, came in, farted, laughed, and proceeded to give himself some sort of hillbilly pep talk that included the phrase "big pussy".
You should know that Team Beyonce's Vagina dominated in pong last night
Hold on, I gotta pump breast milk for the white russians.
I mean I don't object to weird looking penis as long as it gets the job done. I just need to get it in. I'm gonna be humping chairs soon.
I IMAGINED YOU YELLING SURPRISE WITH JAZZ HANDS. AND I LOVE YOU FOREVER
I just made a flawless coverstory for why I dont have my car and why I left the party on foot. #adultererskills
Do you think I could get someone from tinder to drive me to the airport?
Nothing kills the mood quicker than kneeing him in the face during sex
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