My dad hugged me and said I love u. I'm glad I didn't pull out that night.
im trying to pick out the cookie crumbs from my adderall. it is a lot harder than it seems.
even your uterus rejects him.
apparently my uterus is the smartest part of my body.
I remember sitting there at the toilet, bleeding everywhere and thinking, "I walked from my bedroom to here. What happened?"
The great thing about vietnam is that if I'm drunk during the day people just think I'm being white
You should imdb "mourning wood" to see what I'm doing with my $80,000 English degree today
Did you get an erection too during Paul Ryan's speech?
That feeling when you're ready to convert to the religion of whatever god will stop the vomit. Dynamite is illegal.
I watched you down those shots like a lion cub watching its mother rip apart a gazelle
How many ballsacks did you see last night because I saw eight
It's a long story, but I accidentally peed on my dog. I'll tell you about it tomorrow, and we shall never tell my wife.
He just ate a tooth whitening strip...
She squirted. We were both surprised. I'm that good.
Do you ever wake up and realize playing beer pong with your parents wasnt a dream? Your mom really beat you
Hi darlin, what are you doing tonight?
.... Things I will not be proud of
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