i barfeds in our rink
i really wanted you to get laid last night and i didnt think you were going to. so i posted porn on your facebook.it made sense at 3am
her teeth should be alot whiter from all of those blowjobs she gives
i guess it wasn't a booty call since he got home from the club at 6:00 am... he told me to consider it morning sex
I was cut off by 8, I need to rethink this breakup therapy strategy
I wasn't so much your wingman at that point as I was the interpreter of you point at shit and mumbling to the cab driver.
My contribution to the dinner party was a bottle of vodka and a bag of uncooked potatoes. I felt like a Russian serf.
She said I looked exactly like my dad. Then she made out with me. Should I be questionable?
Oh. My. God. Dad smoked a bowl. He's been playing cards...I just told a story and when I was done, he got really close to my face and very seriously asked me if he had cheese in his beard. I'm about to die.
I'm beginning to think that women just have dogs at home as an excuse to leave ASAP after hooking up, without sounding like a typical guy.
You took a selfie with my hard dick and sent it to Scott with the caption 'Toldja'. It was hard to forget you're a teenager after that
turns out my ex girlfriend has become my most successful wingman. life is fuckin weird sometimes
Btw "you gettin a workout in" isn't a great gym pickup line. Like no I'm fucking grabbing lunch on my way to class.
Let's FaceTime each other while we shotgun beers
Honestly, if you don't have a lawsuit pending against you by this time tomorrow, I'll be impressed.
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