did the hipsters beat you up because you are more ironic than they are?
We just made mixed drinks in the bathroom of burger king. This is sad.
Somebody started a fire in the kitchen. I puked on it till it went out. The firemen high fived me.
You kept saying,"there's a seahorse in my stomach, who's trying escape". This was after the curtains attacked you.
lit a joint with my parents wedding matches today, this is what happens when you're out of lighter fluid. didnt even feel guilty.
Now that we both have boys can we make up games that objectify them as sex toys?
She spilled creme de menthe on her crotch and I told her she looked like a menstruating Vulcan (costume idea!). Obviously, I went home alone.
I send him pictures of my tits whenever I feel like he's paying too much attention to his girlfriend.
I CAME HOME WITH MY NIPPLES PEIRCED! WE WERE CAMPING. IN THE MOUNTIANS. I DONT EVEN REMEMBER IT AT ALL.
Phone sex soon? I mean date. Sex date. Date phone.
all 3? possibly?
I think I'm up to the challenge.
i've been hiding in the laundry chute for like thirty minutes from her. not my manliest moment. but dude this is awesome
Her idea of a bathing suit is... well.. she might not actually even know what one is. I've only ever seen her in a pool drunk and fully clothed or attempting to get into a pool but tripping over her pants which are at her ankles. Drunk.
You were so drunk that you didn't even notice when I switched out your shot of jäger for a shot of maple syrup...before or after you drank it.
Last night I dreamed that I got eaten out by Lego Harry Potter.
You know getting black out drunk at a cats birthday party should have been my lowest point drinking wise but some how I feel like last night was some how worse
Randomize
