Omg. If Ina Garten Makes roast chicken one more time im going to strangle her with her white button down
i just woke up to that girl in my doorway. I kid you not. Tan and lime green thong on. peeing on the carpet in the hallway. Then she collapsed. There is a load of towels in the wash. Just thought you should know when you wake up. Gross.
Who wants to bang the sort of girl you can get with Axe body spray??
Dude apparently i ran into the middle of a half marathon last night and some how won
dinner is belligerent. she just poured the rest of the pitcher of margaritas into a take home box. people are staring.
I'm basically just sitting in the porta poTty finishing my bottle of champagne bc I am too lazy to carry it back to the tailgate
I knew from the second he called his penis glorious that I was meant to sleep with him
The hookup that almost was... Both partys too drunk to migrate to the other.... the universe has won this one.
Your feet probs hurt bc the cab driver kicked us out a mile from home after you wouldn't stop screaming "prohibition can suck my dick"
I do not mind being torn from the first touches of sleep to see a man who looks like that
Remember Christopher who always sends me pictures of his penis? Look to your right, boy in the blue.
40 year old guy made out with me last night while I had French fries in my mouth
How weird would it be to ask your bro to 3d print your dick for me
that is either the most profound and meaningful thing i've ever heard, or someone got high before noon again.
But I think I successfully seduced her with my alias.
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