im pretty sure i just saw someone trying to catch a fish with his penis
im letting my talent of no gag reflex go to waste
i just woke up with two martini umbrellas taped to my nipples... idk how they got there
i dont mean to point any fingers but there is a lot of urine in the kitchen
I was so scared, I actually heard my grandmother's voice in my head saying if I get pregnant, then my vagina will fall off. And then I'm going to die.
Well, I had a dudes gf walk in on us the next morning but nothing during...She shook my hand after I got dressed and said "nice to meet you with your clothes on" best moment of my life.
It's fun yes. But hard on the body. I woke up with her purse, socks and one of her shoes in my room. The other shoe was outside. What the fuck were we doing last night?
Some guy in the bathroom just took his shirt off and proceeded to tell me the story behind all of his stab wounds. That's what I get for making small talk
I hate being the only medical professional in the group. I always end up patching you guys or being the DD when I'm on call. I have problems I need to drown in booze too...
I knew you were super hungover. But so hungover you fire our house cleaner because her vacuums too loud is excessive
She text me that night and asked how the dick was and I quote my drunk self "average at best"
I just found those cheese sticks in my purse. Along with a handful of confetti.
After he finished he laid there and told me how much work that just was. I looked at him and told him not to ruin a good thing by opening his mouth.
So many questions...the two most important are, where the fuck is my booze and how did you even get the couch through the door?
I have serious attachment issues. I just realized how long its been since ive smoked out of my bong and I feel guilty for dis owning it this week
Randomize
