Ummmm the art teacher neighbor asked me to pose nude for her art class for cash.
Through a series of unfortunate circumstances, I think I just sprayed lime juice on my vagina.
Did you leave a blizzard on my porch last night? Or was that someone else giving out a metaphorical threat to me?
Hope your thanksgiving is a complete blowjob festival.
You kept asking the bartender if you could "buy a dollar".
Fucken Tweens. They smelled like cotton candy and hand jobs my nostrils were offended.
At first I was a little embarrassed for sharting, but then i realized it was a bachelor party, and I went balls to the wall
I'm pretty sure I just need an IV drip of Plan B at this point...
Like 50% of me thinks it'll be weird, 25% of me is curious & 25% of me is horny
We exchanged spring break stories last night. Open relationships are the best.
Your favorite boobs are sending you seasons greetings
Check snapchat. Selfie game still on point mid vomit.
Do you think I can get away with quoting Work Bitch by Britney Spears in my speech?
OH MY GOD MY UBER DRIVER IS PEEING BEHIND A DUMPSTER
Still got in the car though
I would cock slap so many things if I had a cock.
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