im holly from the hills drunk
She brought a box of chocolates to give the bartender and now he's giving her free shots.. Why didn't we think of that?
It's hard to be a gentleman when a girl pauses her karaoke version of "a whole new world," and proceeds to tell the entire bar that she wants your cock in her mouth.
Between my vag yelling at me for having bad sex and my legs yelling at me for going to the gym I cant hear myself think.
He's only going to be gone for two weeks
That's two months in gay whore years.
I am so juiced up on period drugs and coffee I feel like my skin is going to fall off.
There is a glee sing along. It's on random and they know them all. Like, the specific glee timings and pauses. I need to leave. I need to escape
Downloaded the Pocket Penguin app. There are now penguins living in my phone. Technology is wonderful.
I am the girl who goes to bed with her make-up on so that she doesn't have to fully redo it in the morning. I am obviously not ready to be a mother.
How does that even work?
Last thing I remember was a hand in the pants. Then I woke up next to a full beer and a McDouble, which I promptly had for breakfast.
I touched the butt once. 'Twas an experience with the greatness of legend. So I touched it once more.
I'm twenty nine years old, now is not the time to start trying new drugs. I need a hedge fund...not another drug-induced hangover.
Watching the awkward tinder date at the table next to mine is the most action I've had in months, so there's that.
Burnt food and a broken vibrator. Disappointment after disappointment. Is April a man?
The cat's telling me to stop taking acid, and to start doing the lords work. I'm almost 99% sure he's talking about the dark lord.
THIS CAT'S GOING TO TURN INTO A SNAKE AND KILL ME! GET OVER HERE NOW! BRING YOUR WAND.
Randomize
