people will do anything to get on MTV. like get pregnant.
Coffee flavored vodka sounded like such a good idea at the time. Now i never want to drink coffee again.
And for 6 straight hours, I laid on my bedroom floor trying to convince myself it would perfectly acceptable to pee on my own floor
My niece just threw up all over me. My sister's breastmilk was on my face. This is like a fucked-up porno gone terribly wrong.
So after this weekend I think I'm gonna go down on one knee and propose to my boyfriend that he give me his liver.
You are not allowed to borrow my car ever again. It smells like a hobo orgy happened in my backseat with a hint of onion. What did you do.
Also I legit had a girl at my bar crying tonight saying to her friend "why did he have to take his top off ?"
Let me tell you the story of bicurious george
Why does my therapist keep calling when I jerk off?
He has a bathrroom scale in his room with an alarm attached to it so anything over 150 sets it off and in his drinking stupper he can make a run for it.
"I'm pretty sure all our toasts were to Ben Afflecks penis last night."
If I were better looking, this would be the point where I'd resign myself to stripping.
Did you ever think you lost your bong and then you find it in the weirdest place? I mean, who leaves their bong in the shower?
I was dressed as Waldo and the cops kept saying looks like we fuckin found you
Eh, it could have been worse. I may or may not have been wearing a jedi cloak while getting my dick sucked.
Randomize
