it seems as if every mistake i've ever made in life i've had an errection in one hand and a bud light in the other
I'd steal beers with my tail. If I were a monkey.
I didn't think I could chip a tooth while giving a blowjob until I met him.
Only if you bring Listerine. I can't come home to my husband from a bachelorette party with spermbreath again.
how do I tell him nicely and in french that we can't have sex anymore because his huge penis will ruin me for other french men?
OH MY GOD. JESUS STRIPPER. THERE IS A JESUS STRIPPER HERE. A STRIPPER DRESSED AS JESUS.
I'll have my TA grade the tests, she needs something to do anyway. Wanna race to the bar on segways?
Everyone looked at me like I just fucked a gopher and was wearing it like a hat
Wanna skype?
Can your lips gently and pleasantly suck on my balls via skype? If not, then no.
He told me he wanted to sober fuck the shit outa me... I took that as a compliment
He asked me if the reason I slept around is because I grew up in a broken home. I am so done fucking Christians.
Was so drunk I had to masturbate face up cuz I thought I was gonna be suffocated by the pillows.
Drunk Karaoke resulted in only 8 injuries this time, so there is some improvement.
It makes me feel all patriotic & free... And borderline diabetic.
I'm pretty sure that waking up butt ass naked with a bottle of 151 and a note that said "I didn't want to wake you up, but thanks" proves I had a good time....god bless America
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