the next time i see a chick with leggings under her jean skirt...i'm gona beat her ass with a fashion magazine...
i havent had this much fun since the last time i farted and it created a boner.
she refuses to pay for the plan b and so do i. it's the most dangerous game of chicken i've ever been involved in. but i have my pride.
my dentist asked me why my tooth was chipped, i told him i couldn't remember. i think he understands.
Want to get naked in Baltimore this weekend?
No, he went to go get condoms. The least I could do was chug two beers before he got back
i just wrote an ode to an enchilada dorito. i'll need that pregnancy test now please.
can i bring anything?
Any of the following: Sex doll, side dish, fruits/vegetables that look like dildos, beer
is there a theme i should know about?
He stopped his car in the middle of ongoing traffic to ask me to marry him. Then he got pulled over. Yeah I'd say the slutty Dallas Cowboys costume was a success.
Your hotness may or may not have landed him in jail.
You got this. You survived the RA last semester (granted you almost got arrested but still.)
You are in a fancy European city. The best way to truly experience the city is through Tinder
I'm sorry for drunkenly throwing a spoon at you and then laughing at your pain.
He used a trumpet as a funnel, said something about valve oil, and puked all over the garage.
We were having margaritas and I was saying "back when I was drinking..." They looked all confused. Then I realized "holy shit they think THIS is drinking?"
I brought those bastards cookies so they can deal with my sex noise, fuck them and their roommate asses
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