Haha I wonder if my burp offended him. So I gave him a fist pump to signify how friendly I am
I just got turned down by a drunk fat chick. At my own birthday party. God hates me.
YET AGAIN, my financial planning for 2013 consists MOSTLY of eating chipotle as "brain food" and drinking Heavily before the Jeopardy contestant test.
He said he looked out his window and I was sitting in the grass with blood everywhere talking to a dog.
I was riding him and in the middle he literally said "fuck yeah, Amy Winehouse"
please remind me of this if i ever start out a night declaring my goal is to see how much american honey it takes for me to forget who i am again
I dropped her off at home and her fiancé was shitty, it was 4:30 am. I told him I was the Uber driver
Got to use the phrase "sweet pukas dude." My day is made.
This is not the first time I've recognized my body is subconsciously trying to make pizza.
Pretty sure we're going to get a cease & desist notice from the Make A Wish Foundation, but until then...
I just need some of your time and all of your body.
So I woke and tried to get up. Then I realised my foot was stuck in the pocket of the pool table.
The cashier looked at my basket, looked at me and said "That's a lot of wine." I looked at her and said "Mother in law." She nodded approvingly.
I think sunday funday got a little out of control. There is cheese slices and BBQ sauce all over the roof and 4 empty bottles of vodka in my room.
I woke up with an eye patch on, someone else's sweatshirt on, and no pants on. I hope it was a good night.
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