i just walked by a road side game of beer pong? it's gonna be a long day
were you wearing a green and blue thong last night?
yes! wait why?
because i found it in my pocket this morning...
a girl is trying to cook hot pockets in a saute pan on the stove.
apparently you can't crawl through the drive-thru window
Hovering on the line between her being fuckable and me being too drunk to fuck. Life's juggling act in progress here.
All the alcohol I spilled on myself must have acted as a disinfectant or something. I haven't showered in three days and I still don't have a staph infection from sleeping on the lawn with you.
I don't know if it was his cologne or his Jesus hair, but he was much more fuckable than last time I saw him.
Now that I think about it, it may have been the 6 pitchers of beer.
I learned so much about myself in that shower.
If I come back tomorrow to find a certain football player tied up and locked in your closet, shit's gonna get real.
I'll set him free tomorrow morning ;)
Remember that time you came over to my house and I was on the porch naked and eating peanut butter?
I left when you were using your mug to lay on the street and ask for spare change
We will walk in fields of dick.
You seriously need to stop quoting those songs when i'm with my parents.
My husband was abducted by a group of disco dancers in the parde and danced off down the street. If you see him, tell him to Hustle on home and clean the cat box. #MardiGras
You don’t need a wing man if you have a solid hook up on the pumpkin pie
I have to have boobs, you have the charm and wholesomeness that gets boyfriends... And i have boobs
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