One of my students just told me turtles are lazy and need to get a job. Fuck yes, my job here is done.
I mean its cheating, but i figure i've made out wiht married chicks before so its like a nicotine patch, quitting by doing less and less each day
Just checked my voicemails on the work phone on speaker. Thank you so much for the one of you screaming "COME FUCK ME NOWWWW!" my boss loved it ..
Seriously? We dated for 2 weeks. TWO. And I've crushed his soul and put out the light in his dark world? What the actual fuck.
Yeah, well. That's what you get for dating a musician.
I'll always remember 2012 as the year I hooked up with countless girls who had the sides of their heads shaved.
NO SHITSVILLE I just saw a homeless dude punch a pigeon that flew by him
Yes, he does have a boomerang dick. No matter how many times I throw it away, it keeps coming right back and winds up hitting me in the head.
Got with someone dressed up as Allen from the hangover so that's where I'm at in life
Besides, I don't need any more men there who have seen my tits. #bearwatch2014
every time someone would wish me happy birthday I would be like "thanks happy birthday to you too"
I refuse to believe this is a lapse in my dick hunting skills. It's gotta be the gods playing a game.
Sorry for peeing on you and your bed last night.
There is a goat eating lettuce out of our fridge. Do you wanna grab a bloody mary?
Once again, your first date sounds like something of an epic. Odysseus' Quest for Fourth Base.
I woke up alone, naked in her bed staring at a lifesize poster of edward cullen,actually I'm lying I did have socks on
Randomize
