Okay you're seriously so fucking annoying its like having a baby
I woke up naked, with 10 visible bite marks and a black eye. I'm just going to assume that it was a good night.
I just did the nutritional comparison between 2% milk and Bud Light Lime.. the beer had less calories, less carbs, and less fat. It's not looking good for milk in my life anymore
I'm going to be blunt here. I don't actually care what you're doing tonight. I just need to know if I need to shave or not.
so i say "rick dont build that sandcastle" and he "says ok i wont" then i wake up and its sandcastle fucking city all over my apartment
Yeah dude I should be out of the ER in about an hr. They gave me vallium. Go tell the captain its time to set sail.
I dove into a random van at the bar as the door was closing and ended up at some house with people I've never met in my life dancing in a basement
He passed out with the ball in his hand so no one could play beer pong without him.
I was trying to chase her off the carpet, but now there are figure-eights of cat vomit. everywhere
I am a murderer. I ran over so many baby frogs. I wanted to stop and pick some up to take home, but all I have is a wine bottle. I'd hate to explain that to a cop.
People shouldn't leave you two alone together. You're just going to end up having sex.
If I hid at school to avoid the cops, is it fleeing and evading or just being a good student?
Besides you're a Tennessee fan and it'd be against my religion to have your penis inside me today.
Lost my anal v card with Peter Thiel's RNC speech on in the background. Unbelievably appropriate
On my way to return shoes I bought so that I can afford to buy a pregnancy test. Is this adulthood?
Randomize
