I feel like death. Did you die last night?
Nope. Ready for round 2. Fiesta!
unreal. Greatest comeback since Jesus
Change your flight to Denver. That's where my penis is.
Also I feel like 60% of our relationship is based on sausage mcmuffins.
It was literally like being eaten out by a dog. That bad.
and then the entire party sang the national anthem a capella around the keg.
She was humming during sex. After I asked her why, she said it was her sex theme music
You can't tell me you've honestly NEVER considered smoking a Froot Loop
Dave, I love you but you're barking up the wrong lesbian. You sir are the competition. You don't threesome with competition.
One minute you were celebrating, the next you were bleeding all over your Nikes.
I asked him why he was eating an entire can of refried beans, the only answer I got was "revenge"
She's legally too young to drink and was making out with a guy who is ethically too old to drink.
Some toppless girl just walked past me in the hall and gave me half a carton of smokes. I have never been more aroused.
Just realized I've gone to court three different times with papers and a joint roller in my briefcase. #lawyeroftheyear
We hooked up last night. I think it was great for our friendship.
Do you think you could cook pancakes while i blow you?
Randomize
