i'm going to rape that little man
omg not your brother
life lesson #1: a fart during an awkward silence between 2 strangers doesnt make it less awkward.
Just heard someone use the phrase "slut mustard" in a sentence. Win.
I never want a future conversation of ours to include the words "quart of semen" in it
can we please take bets on how much therapy you'll need in the future?
I just saw two girls throwing up in the bathroom. they were high-fiving under the stall...
It's not quite a landing strip... It's more like a soul patch for my vagina.
Uuh, dude you came running out of the bar screaming you didn't want to hear that song, ran face first into a truck, spun around 3 times and hit the sidewalk. I tried to catch you.
My mom said she saw you at the bar last night and asked how you were. She said, you replied with, "Oh you know, just knocked up."
Figured I'd get right to the point
Is it acceptable to cry on a Friday or am I supposed to drink to forget it?
I'm trying to seductively eat these M&M's to let her know its on
i woke up soaking wet with shard of glass imbedded in my flesh dangerously close to my dick what happend?!!
BEER BOTTLE SWORD FIGHTHING!!
Nothing says I love you like a silicone dragon dick
Come on in. I'm butt naked, in the kitchen, eating ice pops
I woke up and there was a huge blow up palm tree in my bed...
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