My Blind Date Arrived. She looks like something I'd draw with my left hand.
we were having sex in the bathroom when his aunt knocked on the door
and rather than go out and meet her, i climbed out the window. so now she thinks he was masturbating and moaning his own name in a really girly voice
After 10 years all I have gotten is one bra pic, at this point I should be able to draw your cervix from memory
Following a car with a GPS. We don't know where he's going, but he probably has a better idea of where we're going than we do. Also, very high.
"Students using Axe body spray to light selves on fire" is a real headline from a real newspaper. WHY AREN'T WE DOING THIS RIGHT NOW?
You can't have your penis and eat it, too.
You said you didn't want to drink anymore so you started shooting vodka down the back of your throat using a syringe. Oh, and then you aimed it at my eye ball...vodka in the eye hurts btw.
I am gathering blankets and bags of horse grain to pad my truck bed so I have a comfy place to crash when I get home, without the inconvenience of stairs. Or doors. Or walking. But with the refreshing scent of molasses.
Soo I woke up in the storage room at best western....I dont even know what say
and then I drunkenly screamed, "you can ride that Uber all the way to revenge city!"
which was funny until I realized I paid for my enemy's cab to go fuck my ex
You were so stoked after landing that flip that you dropped acid with three random guys without hesitation
Never let your siblings swipe right.
Swear to god, somebody just drove by with mickey mouse in their passenger seat and he waved at me.
Kids music just accidentally came on at this party. I didn't know how many stoners were here until they all sang along.
Why did you buy a cock ring?
I’m going to propose to his penis
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